The topic I was really dreading...

Journal #9: June 20, 2011

Today we had fun with some more obedience exercises and practicing service skills. We got to practice “go pay” –dog takes an object, puts his front feet up on a table, hands the object to the “clerk”, gets off, goes back up and retrieves the object and returns it to the handler. Leon seemed to keep forgetting (after doing all of the go pay task) that he could sit and hold an object at the same time –but we kept at it and at the end, he twice sat and held the object before I gave the command for him to give it to me. We also got to practice stairs with a railing, a push button for the automatic door at the office, tugging open a cabinet and fridge and turning on and off a light switch.

Leon and I also had a very successful trip to Walmart (with the trainers' approval) to get some supplies I forgot to buy and some stuff I need for the trip to Longwood Gardens tomorrow. I am so proud of my boy!! He is a wonderful, fantastic dog! Some part of me is thinking he is still trying to make it up to me for that incident at Staples!

I had a really hard time keeping it together during this afternoon’s “Ending a partnership/retirement” talk. So many emotions of grief resurfaced even though it’s been over a year since I lost Pebbles as a service dog. So I’ve been a bit of an emotional wreck for most of the remainder of the day.

At first I thought there was no way I could open my heart and life to another dog –the pain of losing Pebbles to retirement (and rehoming) after only 3 ½ years together was just too terrible. All the vet visits, the medications, the tests –all did not make it where my partner could keep working and doing what she loved to do –she was not mentally ready to retire, but her hip deterioration (caused by degenerative joint disease and osteoarthritis) dictated otherwise. I had thought we’d be together for life and that I’d be able to keep her after retirement, but my living situation and status as a graduate student didn’t allow for it –I was moving somewhere where I would not be able to have her (due to a very controlling roommate at the time –and I had to move to receive medical treatment) and I was gone the majority of the day as a student –it would not have been fair to leave her home alone for that long. So I had to have her adopted out through the Released Dog program –she went to a staff member at my university. It was so very hard –for months afterward, I’d reach for the harness handle, but not have it there –call for her but not have her appear before me. I felt l was missing a key part of me. But, after time went on and I struggled to get through daily life activities, I actually began to long for a new partner –and I realized that I would honor her service best through beginning a partnership with a successor –she would have wanted me to continue having the help that I had with her.